God, take me away.

In a week itself and i have more than i can take to handle. I’m so so so so…. tired. Serious-seriously, i can’t take any more of it/these anymore. That bastard can’t leave us alone nor even least try to make peace- somehow. I don’t know what he wants from me. It seems as if he’s always having this need to drive me even crazier than himself already is!! And honestly speaking, i feel insane myself the entire time since he allowed these nonsense of his to go on and on for the past two decades or even more. Eighteen years to be exact for me. Flipping through all that photographs taken, i hardly find any of myself. Even if i do, i never had one with my dad. Now my dad has had become the ‘that bastard’ in me. We forgave that bastard time and again yet the saying about; ‘a leopard never changes it’s spots’ is true to describe that bastard fully! Well, at least a leopard is never as crazy as a mad bastard like that bastard. I did my best to want to forgive that bastard for merely a last chance before everything ends, but that bastard’s arrogance got me thinking right- that is that bastard doesn’t deserve anymore of anything from anyone of us ever again. All these years, it was just momo and more momo. None of it about that bastard. Shame on you, bastard; for not bringing up your own blood and left all for the woman who apparently became the wife of yours in eyes of law yet you never saw as your wife after all these years. All you this bastrad did was to blame her for all your failures when she never left you and pulled you up on your feet for this family. Everyone has sight to see what we’ve been through because of you. I bet that bastard’d probably bury itself in shame. I won’t be silly ever anymore to pray everytime for you this bastard to be just an ordinary daddy. As screwed my life may be right now as according to you this bastard, i’m more sure than anyone else out there even momo; i’m doing so much better- better than a bastard like you. I believe there’s always a price to pay for everything one does. Watch your back bastard; you never know who may just stab you to death for no particular reason. I hate you this bastard to the maximum that i’d never forgive you even till the day you die! The thought of that bastard just makes me so sick. GOODBYE, LONELY LOSER-ISH BASTARD!

Crap, i’m feeling faint and nausea all at the same time now. I cannot miss work again tomorrow.. Andandand, i haven’t heard from _______ for a more than a day. I hope he’s fine. At least tell me so. )’: I hate it how everything falls apart altogether especially when this ain’t the first time anymore.

I need a break. I wanna go away from here before the end of the year- which is less than another three months more. I wanna start fresh, without that bastard in my life ever.

Take me away.

Down we go.

Today’s gonna be my last on-leave day. ): Pretty much unpacked already. Still i gotta get down to Ikea with momo and sissy-s sometime soon to get fixtures. I so need a shoe cabinet myself to place all that footwear lying around now! Unsightly. =x And those bags.. [Grrrr.] The wardrobe i have now, seems a lot more compact compared to my previous.. I don’t even have sufficient space to store the bags i have! Whatever that’s keeping my headache. Momo decided that her monthly facial appointment was more important than spending time with me this afternoon. ): ): I’m ‘ber-lar-dee’ bored- ttm. Goodness, i’m just yet another useless bum. ): ‘Cause i don’t even know how to get started with the stove for instant noodles! Tomorrow and work’s gonna resume as usual. Though i really dread it at work, it beats staying “home” instead. I wanna go HOME! )’:

~

I hope Clement sees this post.

It’s just a page in my ‘notebook’.

Birth.

I’m watching discover home and health now and the programme’s on ‘Birth Day’. That lil’ fragile baby.. Innocent.

Thinking; why did he blame me for my existence even. He’s so mad at me. And i don’t know why.

~

I’ve shifted. For good and for bad; i can’t wait for the years to pass faster, to shift out of course.. I don’t have my cozy home now, and neither do i have _______. I hate all this shit that’s happening. I just hope that right now, i can see myself doing fine all over again just like before i knew baby. He needs to know one thing but he apparently he doesn’t. Still, he’s always baby to me.

Period.

‘Played-out’?

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

So much for not wanting me to play you out; yet it is what you’re doing to me now. All that you said, all that you do; i hate you for all.

I hate all of you men.

I hate you for making me feel how i can’t do without you.

My ‘notebook’s filling up.

All that ‘Insecurity’.

So much for growing up, i truely think i’m not doing fine at it. Time and again i feel rejected. All these years, he’d never given sissy-s and i a proper family; not even to momo. Yet he never fails to stir troubles in and out of the house. Shit happens all the time when he’s around. He’s much like a ‘living nightmare’ to us. Because of him, everything else seems to crumble. Where had all the days of enjoying ‘family day’ been to.. Work’s bad enough and home’s my other alternative. And now? Home’s not home. On and off, it’s tiring. I hate you, beast. I never did, not until what you did to momo. Now i can’t forgive you anymore. BEAST.

Why am i yearning for him to be back for good when i know he’d never be.. It feels like i’ve never had a dad.

Thanks to him, i don’t know how else can i trust any man. I really can’t do it.

If only Clement knows how i’m feeling. But i don’t have him by my side either. )’:

God hates me.

And Clement’s out to drink-drunk again and that’s worrying me much too. ): ):

Exhausted.

Work’s much of a hell. Thank goodness Junia is posted to work on Joan’s off-days and i have a getaway this approaching Sunday and Monday though there’s work still. I’d be at Centrepoint! ♥ Sad enough, i don’t have Mr. Kwan picking me up from work for supper. ): Five days more and *poof!*- first torturous month is down and two more and a week to go..

I keep slipping off my mind to take my vitamin-C pills daily. Gastric’s been bugging me. Appetite’s not helping much. Eyebags are prominent. Pimples are breaking out. Terrible headaches come and go really randomly. I can’t get to sleep everynight.

I’m so ugly.

Tell me you love me..

Bangs and Fats.

I have yet to jog again.. It’s been like ages man.. Momo’s too busy to accompany me and what’s more when i’m packed with work and more work~~ ): I need some breeze again.. Some time alone..

I hate it so much more at work now.. Everyday i’m just being bossed around by idiots who make me end up doing plentiful of double-job; i don’t even have a say to anything; my part-timers(friends) are upset with work too yet they staying so i have one trouble less with my superior. Worst still, there’s nothing i can do about anything. I hate having to feel bad everyday seeing my girls sulking at work. It’s really terrible. By the end of this month, i’d need to find more part-timers for the year-end sales. *headache* And my foot still hurts. What can i do????

Yesterday during my brought-forward off-day- i cut bangs again, girlfriend and i finally met up for shopping. We ate pretty much and shopped a lot more. I’m so happy with the four tops and two dresses i’ve gotten. We did manicure and pedicure too! My first time though. =x But i think i do a better job in filing nails than them.. I’m glad girlfriend like it the way we were. (: Yet still, something seems to be missing. I’m not satisfied. Instead, i feel empty.

Baybee, ime sore-ryy. Eye’me mees-sing eww.

Goodbye, or not.

I’ve grown to rely on you so much that it’s tough pulling myself away from you now. What more to say when i have to put up a fake front and i can’t call you baby like i do all the time.. You are what i’m not, and i know i’ll never be like you. I’m so hollow yet this is what i’ve chosen for us. You make me feel that this is what you’ve been seeking for very much; break-time(a really long one though i wish not). I just can’t wait for December to come ’cause in a poof i see school in January. Work and school would keep me busy and away from you. Christmas’ in December. Are you still gonna exchange presents with me?.. ):

Do you remember the time when we were at Sentosa in the middle of the night? I thought it was gonna be yet another mistake but no, it was like some kind of magic! I love how tight you held my hand knowing you’d never let go and leave me to fall. It was wonderful. And that marks our very first date out together, just us both.

The following night you decided to get serious and talk things through and there we were at Fort Canning Park. I was afraid i’d hurt you and you’d hate me but no, you didn’t. You kept your cool and assured me that everything’s fine. So then, i kept you hanging since i couldn’t make up my mind and set myself ready for you, us.

On and on, the countless supper and late nights of scrambling in the car. Next, we moved on to more dinner after work and movies.

For once, i felt all the envious girls out there wishing they had someone like you by their side too. And that’s when you spent hours waiting for my hair to be done and you didn’t spill a single complaint to anyone. Instead, you kept me entertained throughout. Oh, speaking of which, that rings a bell back to the very first time i got mad at you over lil’ misunderstandings. Poorthing you waited at my void-deck for hours just to apologize and have a really late dinner together with me. Yes, there was this once, you sent me home and actually gotten me just a stalk of rose saying that it’s for me with a really lovely shy smile.. Just ’cause i made a casual comment on how lovely it is to receive flowers. On your off days, you’d wake up even earlier than myself to wash up and wait to send me to work. You were always waiting. Why did you do all that for, baby?

Lesser good movies screening, we agreed on completing a puzzle together. But we merely piece it together twice and i did like nothing.. Little did i know, you had the remaining done on your own for a lil’ surprise for me. How sweet was that(though you slip it off your mind when i was over at yours’). Silly.

A plan and i stayed over at yours. Everything was great, though Ace really frightens me so much when he barks or even just getting close to me. You always protected me from that baby of yours. It was plainly love-in-the-air when i woke up having you sleeping right next to me, breathing calmly and next i had you hugging me back to bed. I couldn’t believe how soundly i slept with you by my side throughout the night; it’s been awhile, really. That’s when i wish i can have you hugging me to bed every night. At least, i feel safe.

Once, i teased baby about missing me and here’s what we IM-ed on messenger.

11:32 PM) Teressa.:	u miss my face right!!!!!!!! knew it hahahaa
(11:32 PM) clemT:	i miss your everything baby =(
(11:32 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:32 PM) Teressa.:	hahah too bad!
(11:33 PM) Teressa.:	okay. specify everything!
(11:33 PM) Teressa.:	we’ll see how much baby’s sincerity sums up to..
(11:34 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:34 PM) clemT:	hahaa everything means the way baby looks at me
(11:34 PM) clemT:	the way she tries to tickle me when i’m driving the way she hugs me
(11:35 PM) clemT:	the way she gives me that foxy heh heh eyes
(11:35 PM) clemT:	the way she kisses me! the way she always remind me NOT to turn in immediately at the shell statoin
(11:35 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:35 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:35 PM) clemT:	the way she will ask me not to send her up when she knows i’m tired
(11:36 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:36 PM) Teressa.:	uh huh…
(11:36 PM) Teressa.:	that’s all?
(11:37 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:37 PM) clemT:	haha dad was talking to me!
(11:37 PM) Teressa.:	=x oops
(11:37 PM) clemT:	the way baby pouts!
(11:37 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:38 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:38 PM) clemT:	even the way baby bitches bout gwen!
(11:38 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:38 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:38 PM) Teressa.:	wah..
(11:38 PM) clemT:	oh and serene too lol
(11:38 PM) Teressa.:	=x eh!!!!!!
(11:39 PM) clemT:	not everybody can bitch as attractively as you k!
(11:39 PM) Teressa.:	say until i so mean liddat!
(11:39 PM) clemT:	haha no lor bitching is part of everyday life nobody’s life is perfect so it’s only normal to bitch about it haha
(11:39 PM) Teressa.:	and what’s tht suppose to mean? like how did i do it differently?
(11:39 PM) clemT:	cuz you dun do it excessively
(11:40 PM) clemT:	such that there’s space for me to bitch also LOL
(11:40 PM) Teressa.:	lol. orh u bitch!
(11:40 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:40 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:40 PM) clemT:	hahaa ai wu ji wu
(11:40 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:40 PM) Teressa.:	when guys bitch along it’s not nice k.. i dont like.. i dont know that cheng yu as in the meaning..
(11:40 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:41 PM) clemT:	haha you have until i come back from redang to find out what does ai wu ji wu means =)
(11:42 PM) clemT:	actually i like the way baby leans on me when i’m on the lower step of the escalator haha i dunno why =X
(11:42 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:42 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:42 PM) clemT:	and i SUPER like the fact that baby can talk about any other guys but i know she loves me most =)
(11:42 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:42 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:43 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:43 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:44 PM) Teressa.:	hahaha see! i give ppl a sense of security! heh heh heh!
(11:44 PM) clemT:	hahaha
(11:45 PM) Teressa.:	so anymore to bu cong?
(11:45 PM) clemT:	hmm let me seee
(11:46 PM) clemT:	ohohoh!!
(11:46 PM) clemT:	i love the way how baby is always patient with me when she cuts and files my nails! haha and how she’s always complaining bout them also ={
(11:47 PM) clemT:	=P
(11:47 PM) Teressa.:	but i only cut and file them once! hmmm! u better not be thinking of another baby hor! im warning u!!!
(11:47 PM) clemT:	hahahaa the only other thing close to being my baby is ace but i already call him stupid dog
(11:48 PM) clemT:	and he’s freaking snoring now blardy hell
(11:48 PM) Teressa.:	hahhahaa eh dont digress.
(11:49 PM) Teressa.:	last chance to bu cong befre i sum up baby’s lvl of sincerity.
(11:49 PM) clemT:	hahaha okieeee
(11:49 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Busy
(11:49 PM) Teressa.:	lol.. relax..
(11:50 PM) Teressa.:	dont need focus until change status to busy de..
(11:50 PM)	clemT has changed his/her status to Online
(11:50 PM) clemT:	=P andd last but not least
(11:50 PM) clemT:	everything else that i may have missed out HAHAHAA I LOVE THEM ALL TOO

Well, that was just back last month. I know, i know.. He’s just so lovable. I’m proud of him, very..

School started for you and work for me still, kept us both busy. It was hard compromising that we didn’t really have time for each other anymore. But you trying your best to squeeze time out for me was more than i need. Though insecurity arises for me, i tried to understand but not until the day you decided you have to put an end to us. It tore me apart as much too. I won’t regret. I had the best when you promised and gave your all.

Last night, i couldn’t get to sleep and so i’ve decided to text baby a really lengthy one there. No, no reply from him, not even how he feels or what he thinks about it. I don’t know if i’m doing the right thing for now but he’s been making me feel this is what he’s been seeking for when everything started to crumble.

I want baby to hold my hand again. I want baby to noserub me again. I want baby to hug me to bed again. I want baby to kiss me again. I want baby to smile and tell me that everything’s fine again. I want baby to draw me Stitch again. I want baby to pout at me again when i get petty towards him. I want baby’s nails to be done by me again and always. I want baby to do puzzles with me again. I want baby to compete in scrambling with me in the car again. I want baby to surprise me again. I want baby to squabble with me again. I want baby to piggy-back me again. I want baby to share ice-cream with me again. I want baby to want to have tom-yam at Bishan with me again. I want baby to tell me how much he misses me again. I just want baby to be with me, again..

I’d keep writing but not here anymore. I’ve been having a lil’ jotter book that baby can never read. I’m sorry, baby. And i promise you, nothing in it that i’m hiding from you. It’s just that no point you knowing when nothing can be done. I told you it’s you that i have in my heart, none else. Believe me. When you do, i’d really hope you’re not just a friend coming back to me if you actually do. I know baby, i can do better. And this is what i’ve thought of for now. Since i highly doubt baby’s meeting me still tonight to catch ‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’, i’d just have to wait for the dvd to be released and get it. That way, baby and i can watch it together still when we’re over this mess we’re in today. At least i really wish for.. Since it’s him i’m watching with only.. Baby, i’ve told you what i need to. No, i’m not over you and there’s nothing i can do.. Other than being strong, just as you are.. I’m really sorry that i have to do this to you. Would you be there when i can be a friend maybe sometime later?..

I love you, Clement.

Clumsy.

I get terrible headaches when i inhale medicated oil.

I hate it when i get cramps and feels pain at my foot all of a sudden.

I hate it when i can’t walk properly. Especially when i can’t even balance well on my small feet.

There- medicated oil applied and bandaged by the sinseh. Stinks like i-don’t-know-what!! *faints* I despise work farther more now. So much for self-proclaimed sick-leave until Sunday. (:

~

Baby, where have you been.. Do you/us really have to do this? Each time we IM on messenger, my heart beats so fast that i can hardly catch a breath for i don’t know what’s coming up next.. Every now and then, i think twice upon texting you and how’s the content gonna read as.. Why can’t we even talk much about anything now. It’s so.. Unnatural. I can’t stand how much i need you.. And i miss you. I’m not doing great. No, we shouldn’t be this way yet we are.. Tell me this ain’t any mistake.

)’:

Bomb and beer?

I wonder why people would drink and get themselves drunk when they’re urberly upset. I think it’s really stupid. Okay, maybe ’cause i failed to finish my second can but it’s only good when it’s chilled and that when you’re tearing hard enough to not taste the beer.. Yes, bomb-drop-day for me. What else can i say now?

I’m not worthy of you. Maybe never even am?

I’ve self-deluded all these while?

I never meant to make you mad but still, you are with me.

I couldn’t be reasonable nor understanding enough towards you.

I thought it meant ‘TRUST’, but no it wasn’t to you the way you put it.

I’ve failed terribly to even make you just a bit happy.

You got what you wanted yet you’re getting sick of it now?

I’m sorry i made you feel all that bad.

~

What about our movie date as planned on 23 June’ 09?

What about our puzzle?

What about your promises?

What about my promises?

What about our other plans?

What about all that we hanged on knowing the inevitables?

What about us next?

What’s next?

…

That’s all ’cause i’m never good. Never good enough for you.