Another wasted weekend.

Just when you thought you’re finally doing things the right way, reality slaps you in the face that life ain’t like the rosy picture you’ve painted before.. Many say to let go of the one you love, and should it return, it’s all meant to be.. And when it doesn’t, things just prolly won’t supposed to work out anyway.. But what happens when one claims to love another but never letting go instead..?

This week passed so quickly and it’s gonna end in less than 24hours yet suddenly it felt as if time was slowing down.. All i was looking forward to for the weekend was spending time with the boy searching for a little inner peace, a breather.. Unfortunately, shit always happens and there i’ve decided to divert into another avenue and that’s staying home, away from everyone else except family. Went to bed as early as 10pm but was awaken by the boy’s text after four short hours.. Once again, i had lost my cool.. And now it seems so tough trying to fall into deep sleep till late afternoon.. Should have went over to Dennis’ for mahjong instead.. Urghhhhhh!

When T’s too free…

Yesterday morning, dear Dennis facebook messaged me.. Yes, we should really meet up soon, and of course with the other two, Xz and Marcus.. It’s been so long since i last hangout-ed with them.. Times with them are one of the best that i can ask for.. I remember the late nights we had spent together playing mahjong, catching up with movies and having really late supper.. All that chilling sessions helped me release some stress from work and school back then.. But as soon as myself started being in r/s with Js, Dennis started his r/s too.. There, we both started leading very different life from one another.. I admit it’s upsetting the way it turned out to be.. But at times, someone just need to break the ice like before, no? So yes, i did it this time. Am glad that we’re trying to meet up again but with the guys having a busier work schedule than myself, i can’t pin too much hopes either right..? Anyhow, same thing again this morning, Dennis mentioned about mahjong probably tomorrow night, but all’s yet to be confirmed.. Shall see how then.. A part of me wants to meet up with them again but a part feels a little sense of awkwardness.. Well, not gonna dig up the past and lump into this post though i have nothing to hide.. But just saying, i feel that the awkwardness is inevitable anyway. Whatever will be..

Moving on to Js, all’s well again, so far.. i don’t know how often he reads my blog or does it matter much to him what’s on my blog.. But i just choose to pen down my thoughts here. Lately, we’ve gone through a little rough patch a couple of weeks ago.. i just feel really disappointed in him when he can’t accept the fact that i’ve learnt to put the past behind.. Honestly, i feel so tired getting mad at him over and again over the same issue or rather a derivation of it all.. Very tired.. In case some may wonder why i took away the r/s status on facebook; it’s merely because i’ve reached a point where i can’t be any clearer to him that a r/s status made known to public isn’t a tied-down commitment. At times i feel really scared living in his fast-paced life.. Nonetheless i feel tied-down by our r/s in some ways.. It’s not that i can’t stay faithful to my boyfriend but you know, being a Gemini, space and friends are as important too.. I realized how much i’ve been missing out hanging out with friends as much as compared to before, but then again, i really have lesser time now too.. Why am i starting to feel more negativity as time passes..? 😦 i just ask to be simply happy with every other day like how is was before we actually started dating… hmmmm…

May is approaching in less than 3 days.. i just want to make an exception for this month since it’s my birthday month(though it doesn’t occur only until the last day).. I thought by doing what i am would do Js and myself’s r/s better but proven, not exactly.. Hence, i lost the purpose going through the trouble to do something like that though it isn’t anything much of a big deal.. There’s never gonna be an end to it from what i see.. But what if, there really is gonna be one long after..? Will i be ready.. Or is it gonna be too late to turn back time and take back my words… Deep inside, i hate to lose someone whom once had that special placement in my heart, be it just a ordinary friend or more than a friend..

Losing that special one is gonna be forever a pain.. It’s like any wound, yes it recovers, but there’ll always still be a scar, a reminder.. Also, it can a battle of the heart and mind altogether.. The mind knows it’s alright not to have what was used-to-be anymore but the heart needs to learn to adapt and vice versa.. Then again, why is it people only realize how dear ‘that one’ is to them when they lose them? (in general)Girls start realizing when they start to lose and guys only do so when they’ve lost everything as a whole.. So why can’t we human start cherishing before having to go through all that shitbombs? Because i’ve realized the progress of losing ‘that one’ and gone through that emotional struggle for almost 3 years, i told myself never can i allow the cycle to rediscover itself.. Maybe that’s also a reason to the way i am towards Js(not totally nice sweet loving girlfriend) and very tempermental especially when i’ve lost control of my emotions ever since.. Im very sure, no matter what, from then on, i will be the one who leaves and not the one being left behind.. At least, i won’t feel extended pain should the one who left me comes back time and again for whatsoever reason.. Well oh well… =/ Because i believe time tells tales and people keep changing for the better of themselves, i still want to keep C as a friend, but really, can i?

Shall finish this off before it gets any longer..

Times like that..

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………you just don’t know what’s wrong, you don’t know what else to write.. the moment like that..

Early Wishes.

Wish i may, wish i might, have this cake on that night..

How much i hate to be..

Each time i get to talk to him, i get a different feeling.. A feeling so close to me, so familiar that lingers. I really cannot understand the feeling he has inside him that comes and goes but i know i have yet a feeling so strong that only time tells tales.. But how long more can i afford to wait for? Or can i even wait like before? Reality check, i can’t go back. I’ve taken a step so far out even turning back, it’s just dark shadows i see. From shady to clear, we’ve reached the point that we just have to come clean with each other.. Because of all that i have now, i don’t have much of a choice. In fact i realized, im starting to lose the voice which i once had too.. So there, i had gotten off the ride.. Not to search for whatever i’ve lost but just to have some space for whatever that needs to fall back into place in time to come. It’s so scary growing up day by day.. Human- they come to you when they need you, and leave you when they don’t. But friends, they’ll always be there. Just how many of those i think of are friends.. Likewise, this year’s birthday ain’t gonna be as fantastic as how i pictured it to be.. In 1½  months to it, i can’t even see myself getting excited over that supposedly ‘big day’. A breather; i really need.. Hopefully the bangkok trip feeds my need.

It takes two to tango but many of times, one tends to be leading, while the other being dragged along. Im so so so tired..

While waiting..

yes, i shall post a short one here(i hope). Finally done with 4/5 of the !@#$%^&* business finance group project. Hell’ya, GROUP PROJECT. Well, in the previous i had an awesome team which i didn’t have to worry much for group projects but ain’t so lucky this round since i’ve repeated this module. Back last semester, i didn’t contribute for this module’s project and dedicated my effort to almost the whole of that another instead.. So this round, i ended up doing almost everything on my own. Karma or what, huh? 😦 Whatsoever, im done on my part and decided to leave the last part for someone who delayed my process. So yes, that’s what im waiting for. I REALLY HATE GROUP PROJECTS!

Anyhow, i can see myself turning in soon for the noon after compiling the last bit and ready for submission.. That sense of happiness and fulfillment is PRICELESS! Shall treat small t(what the boy calls my stomach) better when i wake up from all that tiredness.. The past week was indeed a nasty one, personal and school.. Gastric problem haunting me for the past few late nights. Oh, and i have one damn big pimple on my left cheek and ten plus other smaller pimples all over my face by now. Sad much, i know.. Planning to mask with my kose, wash off last week’s nails for a lighter shade this week, prolly pack the messy wardrobe if time permits.. All these little stuffs i’ve been wanting to do but haven’t gotten much time but i do now!! 🙂 Whee~~ Aight, i can’t wait anymore..

*poof*

Let this be the last ride..

As much as i don’t wish for this to be the start of how everything falls apart, it’s scaring me much.. Every other night, you make me wait like a fool when instead you could just tell me it’s bedtime for yourself. Little things like this, and bigger issues like trust. All you tell me is that you need time to adapt, to accept.. In the first place, if you aren’t even ready to commit, why do you even bother to try? Don’t you see how much it more hurt it will do even in the midst of the healing period? You don’t, you just don’t.. When this ride is over, i’m getting off it. No matter how slow you’re gonna go the next time, nothing changes, i’m not taking this ride, not even another again. The heart’s too frightened for anything more, nothing close to this all…

I’m letting go..