SPACE

I just want a space of my own…

Being loved.

Yes, im sick again.. 2nd time for the month.. But still, I have jS to accompany me to the doctor despite having to collect baimao from the workshop.. Even when he’s gonna have dinner late at home, he still put up with me patiently at Petlovers.. Feeling blessed enough to have him take me to the docts almost every time im sick.. I do.. 🙂

Someday, one day..

So happy that jS is finally back from his work trip after 5days! These past few days, I’ve grown to be my independent self like the good old days.. Ever since he started playing a part in my daily life, I’ve been pampered and spoilt to being so dependent on him.. But nonetheless, I also realized that only days with him can be better than just good.

From the day we brought Baby Max home, I thought I’ve filled the lil’ loneliness I feel that has always been the missing piece in me. Yet this trip brought me to senses that with/without Baby Max, I’m still lonely because i chose to be so all those times, but not this round. I gave a shot of having a little ‘me-moments’ despite missing both my boys(jS & Max) and I did a pretty good job of not making anyone worry for me, I hope. I kept myself busy at work trying my best to focus as much as I could though most of the time my mind was just floating thinking how jS was doing away.. I met up with my girlfriend for some girls night till really late and did lunch with my former classmate who’s back in town for awhile; since I was gonna give work a miss today just to pick him up from the airport. It felt really good to finally give up on the past which i would have had turned to during his absence or whenever we fall out with each other.. For once again in a long time, I know I’m doing things right.

No words can express how I felt when I sent him off and finally had sight of him again. Tears of sadness and happiness just gushed outta my eyes. And both occasions he only had to say how silly I was.. It’s been awhile, my dear.. I haven’t been silly for anyone and now I am for you.. As much as he loves me, I can only love him more.. I wish.. I wish.. For the day jS, Baby Max & I to live together happily ever after..

Some day, one day..

For a start..

Tonight, I shall start to pray. From now, I will pray. I just need to find myself and believe again for I’ve lost all the faith in me. Please, let me live again..

May I hide till I’m WELL again.

Times like that, I just wanna give up and run away from everything, everyone; than putting up a brave front.. Because I’ve never felt weaker than before, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been ‘using’ certain factors as excuses to why I’ve fallen so much all of a sudden. My health hasn’t been decently good for I can’t even remember since when. I used to be able to stay up late nights just studying and munching away junk food but in the recent years, that’s not the case.. I can’t even stay up late, should I have junk food late night, I’ll end up falling/feeling sick the very moment I wake up, needless to say staying up to study. For the past two hours or maybe lesser, I tried study something, yet now as I’m typing, my gastritis pain is back again. Sometimes I honestly feel it’s a bitch but then again it could just be my body telling me to take a break. And no, I don’t starve myself especially not when I can’t resist hunger. To make me feel even worst of, the stress I’m feeling over my paper later in the morning and yet being unable to sleep just make me wanna breakdown all over again. Well, it would be the third for the day if I do.. Maybe, just maybe; I’ve been tiring myself out for the longest time since four-five years back till today, only then my body and mind is giving on me. And to end this miserable post, I ain’t happy seeing myself looking more haggard and worried as the days pass.. Please, someone, or myself(if that is even possible at this stage), lead me back to good health and happiness. That’s all I ask of.. School, work and life can wait.. I just want back my health..

When life is tough yet I can’t get tougher.

It’s exhausting- work, school and life. I can’t balance them well altogether. Right now, I can only see myself being on the verge of giving up after breaking down too many times subsequently in the past six weeks. Time was passing me by so quickly that I almost didn’t realize. I want to be tough, but I do know my limits too- that is I can’t be any tougher. What am I gonna do when I give up on all these when if I don’t do so, I’m just gonna further tear myself apart.. 😥 this is not what I’ve been planning for..