Yes, im sick again.. 2nd time for the month.. But still, I have jS to accompany me to the doctor despite having to collect baimao from the workshop.. Even when he’s gonna have dinner late at home, he still put up with me patiently at Petlovers.. Feeling blessed enough to have him take me to the docts almost every time im sick.. I do.. 🙂
So happy that jS is finally back from his work trip after 5days! These past few days, I’ve grown to be my independent self like the good old days.. Ever since he started playing a part in my daily life, I’ve been pampered and spoilt to being so dependent on him.. But nonetheless, I also realized that only days with him can be better than just good.
From the day we brought Baby Max home, I thought I’ve filled the lil’ loneliness I feel that has always been the missing piece in me. Yet this trip brought me to senses that with/without Baby Max, I’m still lonely because i chose to be so all those times, but not this round. I gave a shot of having a little ‘me-moments’ despite missing both my boys(jS & Max) and I did a pretty good job of not making anyone worry for me, I hope. I kept myself busy at work trying my best to focus as much as I could though most of the time my mind was just floating thinking how jS was doing away.. I met up with my girlfriend for some girls night till really late and did lunch with my former classmate who’s back in town for awhile; since I was gonna give work a miss today just to pick him up from the airport. It felt really good to finally give up on the past which i would have had turned to during his absence or whenever we fall out with each other.. For once again in a long time, I know I’m doing things right.
No words can express how I felt when I sent him off and finally had sight of him again. Tears of sadness and happiness just gushed outta my eyes. And both occasions he only had to say how silly I was.. It’s been awhile, my dear.. I haven’t been silly for anyone and now I am for you.. As much as he loves me, I can only love him more.. I wish.. I wish.. For the day jS, Baby Max & I to live together happily ever after..
Some day, one day..
Tonight, I shall start to pray. From now, I will pray. I just need to find myself and believe again for I’ve lost all the faith in me. Please, let me live again..
Times like that, I just wanna give up and run away from everything, everyone; than putting up a brave front.. Because I’ve never felt weaker than before, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been ‘using’ certain factors as excuses to why I’ve fallen so much all of a sudden. My health hasn’t been decently good for I can’t even remember since when. I used to be able to stay up late nights just studying and munching away junk food but in the recent years, that’s not the case.. I can’t even stay up late, should I have junk food late night, I’ll end up falling/feeling sick the very moment I wake up, needless to say staying up to study. For the past two hours or maybe lesser, I tried study something, yet now as I’m typing, my gastritis pain is back again. Sometimes I honestly feel it’s a bitch but then again it could just be my body telling me to take a break. And no, I don’t starve myself especially not when I can’t resist hunger. To make me feel even worst of, the stress I’m feeling over my paper later in the morning and yet being unable to sleep just make me wanna breakdown all over again. Well, it would be the third for the day if I do.. Maybe, just maybe; I’ve been tiring myself out for the longest time since four-five years back till today, only then my body and mind is giving on me. And to end this miserable post, I ain’t happy seeing myself looking more haggard and worried as the days pass.. Please, someone, or myself(if that is even possible at this stage), lead me back to good health and happiness. That’s all I ask of.. School, work and life can wait.. I just want back my health..
It’s exhausting- work, school and life. I can’t balance them well altogether. Right now, I can only see myself being on the verge of giving up after breaking down too many times subsequently in the past six weeks. Time was passing me by so quickly that I almost didn’t realize. I want to be tough, but I do know my limits too- that is I can’t be any tougher. What am I gonna do when I give up on all these when if I don’t do so, I’m just gonna further tear myself apart.. 😥 this is not what I’ve been planning for..
I leave a couple few teardrops to roll.. I don’t really know what’s the cause of that feeling inside me making me wanna cry but one thing im sure of is that im afraid of tomorrow.. As much as i wish to think that im ready for all of these right now, clearly i know im not. Honestly, i don’t know how much longer i can take it.. It seems like self-destruction cuz initially all of these seemed right and only but now it’s not. What am i gonna do.. 😥
Hi, Prettybites! It’s been awhile, same old. Seems like after all these years, im certain that a part of me hasn’t change a weeny bit at all and that’s crawling back to my very own space, alone in my world. Despite all the changes and how far i’ve came(though not very accomplished yet), I’m glad it’s times like these that bring me back to clearer thoughts.
Lately, I’m bothered. In fact, I have no exact words to put together how I’m really feeling inside. The past few nights, my heart sinks deeper each night. It has come to a point where I’m accepting how i don’t quite matter at home, to my family. I thought days without ‘the dad’ would be livelier and lovelier but today reality smacked me that it was all my little wishful imagination.. All I can say is “I’m only human too”.. Hoping to put this unacceptable truth aside, I’m desperately looking forward when I head back to school.. By then I will be vexing about juggling my full-time job, studies, finances & all(life but maybe with a lot less of emotions) just like how it was then. I really want to numb these feelings inside me so badly because time again, the one i care most choose to hurt me more each time. Am I not your child like the other two…? Why do you have to treat me so different when i’ve never meant harm nor carried motives towards you.. I keep trying though it may not have been my best yet I can’t even receive a word of encouragement and instead you fed me disappointment.. TIME AND AGAIN… 😥
That aside, it’s finally the month of the year again. Hooray. Honestly, it would have been awesome if not for what happened at home last week. With so many PHs in May, which working fella ain’t feeling happy at all? What’s more exciting is I’ll be off to celebrate my birthday! Hooray!……….. All I’m thinking is planning my work schedule right so I won’t have to pick up the pieces when I’m back nor having to rush through my schedules. Thankfully im blessed with a handful out there who still cares for me and the one who never leaves my side after all these times.. Initially, I wanted to spill my excitement all over for the upcoming trip but somehow I can’t.. It’s not that I don’t feel excited anymore but I just don’t know how to express it fully. Just looking forward when the date draws..
I guess the happiest thing to overwhelm that sunken heart is that my dear friend is coming back sg!! Unfortunately, only for four short days but still I’m glad she contacted me!! I really can’t wait to meet her… Because friendships always meant the second most important relationships to me.. 🙂 hopefully we could really catch up before she leaves again.. This long-awaited return makes me feel some warmth somehow..
Time to catch some rest for a brand new day tomorrow… I hope tomorrow will be better..
Over time when we forget the little things that made us who we are today, everything starts to turn monotonous. But it’s only time that would help us learn and understand each other more.. The question is ‘how much time are you willingly to give; to others, to oneself?’
~
Too tired to elaborate.. Doing so just makes it worst. This time I choose not to explain anymore.
I’ll be walking alone..
Teressa's Nonsense 