The hardest part; picking myself up.

Back to my writing habits, read my rants instead of hearing them..

So, i’ve been jobless and desperately looking for one now. It’s been two months. THIS SHIT IS REAL. Coincidental or not, im 25 now and yes, everyone calls it quarter-life-crisis. Unfortunately, i chose to leave my job for better self-well-being from all that cruelty i have to deal with. People who know me would understand that it’s not my level of immaturity that landed me in such a situation today. However, the society is only as harsh as i can ever imagine. Everyday i make more choices than my peers who have settled themselves as society slaves. Everyday is yet another struggle, another depressing day. On most days, i try searching for jobs on various portals, then  mass sending my resume which is painted in the best form i can, next is the waiting period. Upon receiving calls from many recruiters for forwarding my resume to their clients, even accepting interviews scheduled, the unfortunate events do still take place despite a 2nd round interview. Then, it all goes back to where i began from. I keep questioning myself, what’s missing other than my education qualifications. It breaks my heart. Im only seeking for a job to stay happily in my best form for the organization and draw a decent salary to pay my bills. I still have my dream of upgrading my education but im just less fortunate to have financial support without much to worry and concentrate on school. It’s been like this since i worked to pay for my diploma, then again it’s cheaper than a degree thus i managed to scrap through very poor days. Now? God decides to challenge me again. With wanting to go back to school taking a bank loan for it, but i have to consider for housing loan instead now that im applying for one. Am i worrying too much? Really? After receiving news that i didnt manage to get a job offer for which i turned down another in comparison of career prospects; i feel devastated. All i could do was to cry it out feeling so helpless, thinking why for once i decided to take a risk in planning my future a little yet only to turn out making a fool outta myself. I couldnt sleep well through the entire night. But after much procrastination, i decided to pick myself up again with much heavy sighs. Honestly, im not prepared for however long more that im gonna be jobless. I just hope i can pull through a little more of this down time in my life feeling hopeless. Already im giving up in life, i hope i wont end up giving up on myself.

Waking up today to even flip up my lappy to update to paint a prettier resume and sending new applications all over again was so tough, but im glad i did it still. I hope when i have my kids in future, i’ll be able to guide them through every major decisions in life, least they end up in my path. And no, im not blaming anyone for where i am today, esp. not so for my mom and sister living under the same roof as me. They see me get mad and upset over again many times in these couple months yet they havent given up on me and still encourage me to move on and look forward and be undaunted. I just hope, with such an experience, i will strive harder to work for my future which my parents werent given the opportunities to do so back when they were younger. If my sisters can be someone admirable today, im sure i will be someone too someday. *sigh*

For now, im just gonna end my depressing day, put on yet another mask and smile.. and go out there for fresher air than cooping up in my room. Tomorrow might just be a better day.

Fear; the end to a new beginning.

From now, im just gonna start blogging away like how i always did when i was younger. Well, at least, life seems manageable and less unhappy and pathetic then as compared to now. Over the years as i grew, i realised it’s never easy to catch up with myself when there are so many other things around me to attend to. So i hope to start all over again before i lose myself too much that im just another dead soul walking.

JOB.

Yes, it’s only a job, not even a career. Have been struggling to move on and out of my not-so-comforting comfort zone for a very long time but the end of time keeps furthering itself from me. I wish this time round il be able to tender without any worries by doing my best to clear however much work i can so my colleagues won’t have to pick up the pieces from my resignation. May i also put more effort in search of my new job, and hopefully, a better place where my money earned is meaningful. I’ve been stagnant for too long. Averagely decent salary for now, but not the way how i wanna earn it so meaninglessly. (Some people may just think im mad for not wanting to earn ‘easy money’, i know. It’s okay, cuz not until they realise how difficult it gets day by day, dreading to head to work, they won’t understand.)

Roof.

Urghh. So much has changed. When i first started on this blog, it was still HOME. Daddy, Mummy, my elder two sisters and me. Be it the good times or the bad times, i still miss when it’s the five of us. Daddy, all of us missed you since you left us last year. Though we weren’t the happiest family with only love under our roof, we were a family still deep in each of our hearts even when the divorce happened. Back when we moved out into aunt’s, we four ladies thought life was gonna be easier and less worrying given the situation we had then. Unfortunately, things took a wrong turn and we were under the control of my aunt instead. There, we swallowed much pride and finally the day came to a point we were shifting AGAIN after 6 years since we parted from Daddy. Now, it’s just 3 of us since eldest sissy is married and has her own place. I hope jS and i get ours soon so we could minimise on our current rental once the lease is due in Dec’17. It’s not too far away.. Also, im worried for Mummy and sissy whether they’ll be able to make it in getting themselves a NEW HOME and not just a temporary roof like how it is for us now. I need to find an alternative for there are a bit of issues even if my husband by then agrees still. Tough life having to make the best of both worlds. Till my balloting result is out.

 People.

Well, im glad i finally understood why i don’t really need that many friends after all. Just a few true ones, that’s good enough. While my circle of friends are mostly busy growing up from graduating to starting a new career and maybe even committing to a new relationship, god knows whatever, i hope we could all catch up someday when most of us are more settled down for. Some others whom i got to know and became close with over the past few years, well, all i can say is i aint got time for ya’ drama if you expect me to treat you like royalty just because you think you’re older, matured(supposedly more than me) and experience life more than i have been. Sometimes, people just don’t reflect on themselves how annoyingly disgusting they behave towards others. I can be nicer than just nice, but so can i be really unspeakable of if you choose the wrong side outta me. Because you’re new, doesn’t mean you could step all over on me when i forgive. Cuz when im done with your nonsense, im outta it being very nasty to you. I can forgive time and again but il never forget. When i never forget, it’s when i stop forgiving. Lately, im done with some shithead and all that command aura where everyone else decides to let it eat them up slowly, maybe cuz they had yet to feel the pain they get for even being dead. Best luck to them, but i think it’s time i stop being nice to people who don’t deserve it even from anyone. Have been pathetic much uh? Moving on.

Status.

The exciting part…. I’M ENGAGED to one of the nicest man I’ve known! From all the mistakes i’ve made in the past to him having to tank all that nastiness i have inside me, im truly blessed, he stayed by me. Since he pushed the button on the box to propose with my dream ring, i cant contain the blissfulness within me and agreed. #luckiestbitchever Though at times it may seem that im abusing the love he has for me, but honestly it breaks my heart when i see his close friends taking him for granted so blatantly. I hope he truly understands it’s only because i care and that left him sandwiched instead. Anyhow, im really starting to enjoy myself being doted and loved by my fiancé. It’s been a long time since i suggested brunch when i was the idiot between us who started the idea on dates like that eating expensive food that aint all-the-time yummy or value-for-money. And i noticed how he tries to treat me to one for at least once a month. #littlethingslikethese I finally let go of what i needed to for the longest time after i decided to take away most of my insecurities and starting this new journey ahead with love. I have had loved someone so much so hard that i forget what it’s like to be loved by another. And with the insecurities living and sometimes even growing inside me, i lost the simplest me. Just really thankful that love picked me up and never left my side all these years, can’t ask for more.

Health.

Uhmmm. Still having sleeping issues, that i finally got the doctor to prescribe me some medicine to help regulate my sleep. Well, it fluctuates from time to time. Who knows what’s gonna happen next right? Speaking of which, it’s really late and i should try sleeping with my some help from the pills before im too tired to get up for work later..

 Will be back soon. 

 

Long story; short.

Friends come and go, they betray and they know.. Why am I always the blinded one? Already in mid 20s and yet i let my emotions get all over me over assholes. Yes, DAMN ASSHOLES. 

Life at work isn’t as enjoyable as it was supposed to be and instead became dreadful. Day in and out, im controlling all that angst and disgust as much as i can while very much im boiling deep inside me. Sometimes i wonder –why is it some people just don’t mature as they age.. Those damn assholes can go ahead and annoy me for all they want, im just gonna try my best not to get anymore agitated by their sickening-pathetic-selves. Just doing what i need to to get through the months till my bonus is in(obviously I deserve my share) and *poof*, im done and moving on. 

Just hope i can have some motivation to get my driving license the soonest possible and hunting for a new job to move onto.. That’s all for now.. 

Second in 2015; hope I ain’t too late..

So much to say yet I just can’t do it. Maybe tomorrow, tomorrow when im feeling better. All I can say right now is all that emotions I have currently -messy.

May my days get better each time I wake up for a brand new day..💔

Goodbye for long, memories…

There, we’re done with another year -2014. I remember 2014 starting off well from a train ride home and being naive as always, thought things took a turn for the better.. But I was wrong. As the months passed, what I imagined to be a wonderful ending, a closure, a new beginning; everything became a nightmare instead. And i have only myself to blame.

Over the months, i struggled, i betrayed.. I’ve became the worst person I’ve ever known.. I’m now trash. I’ve never despise anyone so much that I’m now disgusted by myself. Why.. Why have I let myself walk the path which i have been pulling another out from over the passed years.. Time and again, i allowed myself to get hurt and now? Sadly, i’ve forgotten what it feels like to love, what love felt like before..

In this new year, i only hope to overcome the hatred for myself.. To never look back at those memories.. It’s been a painful half decade..

Missing.

It’s Christmas soon and I get to choose my present from 💛.. It happens on birthdays and christmas, sometimes even on valentines’. So the routine has been going on for the past three years and I’m starting to feel a little disappointed as time passes. Well of cuz’ I do feel happy getting the things I’ve been yearning for but I also prefer to get them by myself instead.

Some people may call me an idiot or even worst, mad. Anyhow, I like buying gifts for my friends, especially so for my love ones. I like how I could do shopping alone for an entire night And end up buying gifts for others and myself included as well.. Buying a gift shouldn’t come along as an obligation on ‘special’ days but in fact from the heart, anytime anywhere.. Not everytime too.. Duh.. Then again, yeah, my point is I really really love not having to choose my own gift because it only makes the gift as empty as how I feel..

I’m just a tough nut who happens to love surprises very much too. Like I always say- every day is valentines’.. Call it cliche, but truth is I believe if you live in that mentality, you’ll never lose your way in a relationship and leave it to rot. Lest you know, it just gets better.

Maybe I should make the first move again after so long.. To find alone-time again and end up with surprises for 💛.

Is this a sign?

For the first time in forever, I finally took an afternoon nap on a weekend at home.. Unfortunately, instead of enjoying the short time creating silly/happy dreams; I woke up being torn apart in the heart. It’s hurts so bad, so much.. Then, I realized how much insecurities have been building inside me since…

Time to move on.

Slowly, steadily, im letting you go.. Starting to realize how much I’ve gained and how much I’ve lost, only tells me that it’s time to move on. Bad habits die hard, characters can hardly change or even never.. Third consecutive year, some things never change. Maybe I’m never meant to be nice, people will never appreciate nor understand where im coming from anyway.. I really did try and never stopped but we’re not going anywhere at all.. Maybe we’re just never meant for each another.. Oh well..

Inside me..

Sometimes i wish so hard just to live being baby-ed by that only one though at times i can appear stronger than anyone would believe..

**snoozes with my plushies**

SPACE

I just want a space of my own…